My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
