Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
