this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
