Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
