apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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