cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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