you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
