Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize