In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
