just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
