bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
