Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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