Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
