Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
