He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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