I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
