Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We need to get me chipped asap
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
