I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
