Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Your dad touched me again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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