omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
