He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
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