Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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