just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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