I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize
