let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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