After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
