I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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