You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
