Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
