I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize