Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
