hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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