I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
