return my video game
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
