At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
