Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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