when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
And then he peed in my hair
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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