Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
