My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
