Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
