You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
