i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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