I can text with my tongue
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
