Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
