Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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