I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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