when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
