You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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