so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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