the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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