I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So many bounce houses so little time
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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