I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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