i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
