At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
