So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
