I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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